The Powder Chase

There's a phrase, “law-school hot”, that you can probably figure out, but I'll explain anyway: attractive in any setting, but certainly benefiting from the dearth of competition.

My 1L year, I was “law-school alcoholic”: even in the real world people might be impressed that I'd occasionally take 10 shots of tequila and throw up in a phone booth, but I wasn't drinking in the morning or anything. Still, I enjoyed my class-wide reputation as Drunk Who Must be Secretly Smarter Than Everyone Because He Never Studies and Still Gets Solidly Mediocre Grades. I even started fancying myself a real alcoholic.

I'd earned a partial scholarship because of my LSAT grades. One day the decently law-school-hot financial-aid officer called me into her office to inform me that solidly mediocre wasn't good enough to keep it. I'd done particularly crappy in one class, and I'm pretty sure the adjunct professor had suggested there was something wrong with me, because the financial-aid officer asked “Is there something wrong with you?” There probably was, but still, screw off, bitch -- that adjunct professor wore cheetah-spotted slut blouses, and besides, it's none of your business.

Last night, I met a guy whose best friend entered the same law school a year after I exited. He told me that his friend had started sexing that financial-aid lady, who, incidentally, was married. Then his roommates started sexing her, sometimes several at a time. Then dudes literally started flying in from out of town, including one hilariously short guy, who sexed her in front of everybody else while wearing a cowboy hat. Well after graduation, they even called her to fly in from the East Coast -- where she was living after getting a divorce and going through rehab for an apparently massive cocaine addiction -- and do her thing at one of the old bang-gang's bachelor parties. She was wild about the idea.

In retrospect, I guess I really was just law-school alcoholic.