That's Gold, Lindros. Gold!

Those glasses belong to a girl whose closest friends call her "The Golden Vagina", because she's dated or otherwise slept with numerous men who weren't players at the time but who went on to great success, including a very big television writer, a Golden Globe and Oscar nominee who apparently used to drive a sweet Camaro, and a guy who directed a big-budget action flick that ended up bombing ("I got him his shot, I'm not responsible for what happens after that").

She also had some level of sub-intercourse relations with Eric Lindros after meeting him in a Philly bar called The Black Banana. Before hopping in his Mercedes SLK she told him "this is just like my dad's car!", then wrote "!PLEH" in the back-window fog because she thought it was funny. Even though his P didn't enter the GV, he made his first trip to the Stanley Cup Finals the next year.

On the other hand: she dated the guy from Dog's Eye View who sang that song "Everything Falls Apart". The song was already a hit by then, and obviously no hits followed it, which prompted me to say there should have been a commercial advising the dude "There has never been a worse time to buy gold".

After hearing this tale of magical genitalia and sweet cars, our friend Matt could think of nothing to say but "I drive a Hyundai Santa Fe. It's Fudge-colored, but they call it Espresso." He used to drive a BMW -- draw your own conclusions.

Please Don't Tell Anyone I'm a Virgin

Drank at the PDT bar last night with a friend who works for Karlsson's Gold Vodka, which is interesting stuff because it's only filtered once, and's made with 7 different varieties of "virgin" potato (so young the skin hasn't yet developed) grown by farmers who were doomed to lose their land to encroaching golf courses until Karlsson's came along. Obviously, "virgin potatoes" is fodder for some great advertising tag-lines, so I promised my friend I'd come up with 20. Here goes.

1) Spuds not Sluts!
2) Our potatoes are virgins. Your cocktails won't be.
3) We sacrifice virgins, not taste.
4) No skin, no sin. Karlsson's Gold, with real virgin potatoes.
5) Our potatoes are virgins. And not just in the Italian way.
6) Try Karlsson's Gold, made with virgin potatoes. Because vodka made with slutty potatoes will have sex in the shower with your asshole friend while you're passed out on a twin hotel bed after an out-of-town frat party.
7) Our potatoes: like a virgin, fermented for the very first time.
8) Our virgins have never touched a tuber-snake.
9) Virgin potatoes: no matter how much vodka you give them, you'll never get into their plants.
10) Help Our Vodka Lose Its V: try Karlsson's Gold, made with real virgin potatoes.
11) Karlsson's Gold: Just because our potatoes are virgins doesn't mean we support abstinence.
12) Karlsson's Gold. Made with virgin potatoes, so when a dragon's threatening to burn down your village, you can just hand him our vodka. Or hand him your girlfriend, and keep the vodka.
13) Worth the Wait: Karlsson's Gold, made with real virgin potatoes.
14) You Know You Want It: Karlsson's Gold, made with real virgin potatoes.
15) Looking for a vodka you can't get pregnant? Karlsson's Gold: made with real virgin potatoes.
16) Okay, so apparently virgin potatoes can get pregnant. But that's okay, because you will definitely want to marry Karlsson's Gold.
17) Karlsson's Gold: our potatoes are virgins, but our master distiller has plenty of experience.
18) Vodka that feels like the first time: Karlsson's Gold, made with real virgin potatoes.
19) Karlsson's Gold: Our potatoes might be virgins, but they have watched a lot of late-night cable television.
20) Karlsson's Gold: because why would you want potatoes that had sex with some guy with a giant root?

I Am A Phoenix War Eagle Tiger

True story from watching last night's BCS Championship Game between Auburn and Oregon:

My buddy Dan's lady friend is from Mississippi, but her family are such die-hard Auburn fans they practically bleed whatever color either tigers or war eagles or both bleed. During the game, she at various times screamed, yelled, jumped up on the table, clasped hands in prayer with whoever was nearest, and generally served as the bane of the next table's existence, a bunch of jackholes who tried and pathetically failed to tl'ask (to tell someone they're going to do something while putting on the pretense of asking them) us to have the bartender turn the sound off**.

So, the girl's 85-year-old grandfather is a retired minister. And somebody died, and asked him to speak at the service, which totally pissed off her grandmother, who she talked to periodically during the game, and who said, "Who schedules a service during the national championship game?" Which is totally true -- unless you're Jewish and have no time flexibility, it's a dick move.


So after the game's over, the girl talks to her grandmother again. A lifelong small-town enemy of hers had actually walked up to her during the service and, knowing she'd probably put someone else in a coffin to be home watching her Tiger War Eagles march to victory, said "Quack, quack". And made a little Oregon sign with her old hands.


Apparently funerals for the elderly are quite the social occasion for the still-living elderly, since by that age you're pretty used to people dropping off and're just happy to see who's left -- so the casual chitchat wasn't offensive. But using the occasion to hurt her in the cruelest way possible? You don't have to be a University of Phoenix graduate to know that lady's going to hell.



*As if they could have heard music over their discussions of Battlestar Galactica and "stupid football commercials" that actually appear during other programming including Battlestar Galactica.
**As if "you can still watch the game, but I don't have to listen to this stuff" is a good argument when you're 1) in a bar whose many giant TVs make it painfully obvious who's in the right during any major sporting event 2) completely discountingthe additional enjoyment crowd noise and announcer drone provides sports fans 3) a dick. Fuck you, jackholes. Hope you enjoyed the vocal stylings of HerbsBurger.