Vaguely Familiar

The other night at Salt Bar, a friend of mine walked out for a bitterly cold smoke break with his buddy Rico, who he's known since they worked at Bear Stearns together, years before there was no longer Bear Stearns. Around that same time, the next table over was making to leave the bar. One member of the departing party happened to be Jeffrey Wright, the fourth thespian I've seen drinking at Salt. The others: Dennis Leary, Gina Gershon, and Josh Hartnett, who, when asked by my tanked friend Dan "Why are you wearing that fucking hoodie?" on a very hot, hoodie-unfriendly night, pulled out an impressive save with, "Because I'm cool?".

Through the window I could see Wright asking my guys for a light, then lingering a moment for what appeared to be casual carcinogenic chitchat. Being an occasional smoker (only when I'm drunk, but especially when I'm drunk and Jeffrey Wright's in the mix), I went to join them, but Wright had already left for greener, warmer pastures. Apparently, after lighting his cigarette, Rico, who later revealed he hadn't seen any of Wright's movies except Casino Royale, had said "This is going to sound weird, but I know I've seen you in something". Wright had then squinted his eyes cryptically as if sizing Rico up for admission to a secret, dangerous club, took a drag, and asked, "Have you ever been in prison?"

And that is why Jeffrey Wright is the finest actor of our generation (and maybe Josh Hartnett's not all that bad).

Portentous

This looks like the scene in organized crime movies where one mangled body kicks off a montage of others brutally taken out in a mob war, then left on the street to intimidate. Definitely think twice before standing too close to any AM New York stands.

Privacy Issues...

...are not a big concern for everyone. Then again, if you had abs like this gentleman, you too would rent out an apartment with lordly windows just above an unmissable glowing green sign, assuming of course your abs could pay the rent, the Con Ed, and the Pay-Per-View bill you'd run up sitting around watching movies that depicted women responding positively when exposed to gratuitously shirtless men.

Also of course, by "you", I mean "I".

Indiscriminate

You've got to be careful about where you place your inspirational tags. I'm pretty sure that, for these guys, the dream was for a couch to magically appear on the sidewalk.

Perseverence

I received this pitch in a semi-professional capacity. My response is precious. Their response to my response is Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire. Thanks, (ri)1 Rye Whiskey for making this all possible.

Pitch:

Good Afternoon,

The news of Tiger Woods and his recent transgressions has created a new tag for the man who is undoubtedly one of the best athletes in the world. As new stories emerge every day, Tiger Woods has now embodied that of the newest face of today's Sugar Daddy. Unlike traditional portrayals of the Sugar Daddy, or generous provider, as an unattractive middle-age or older gentleman with a woman half his age (or less) on each arm, MutualArrangements.com, the World's Premier Sugar Daddy Website Online is finding that the Sugar Daddy of today is younger, more attractive and closer in age to his Sugar Baby. In fact, 28.4% of all of the Sugar Daddies on Mutual Arrangements are under age 40 - and nearly half - 47.2% are under age 45!
There has been a shift in recent years towards a person earning wealth at a younger age than those of previous generations. Mutual Arrangements has found that there are a plethora of men in their thirties and forties with plenty of financial resources, all having a desire to care for a woman, or women. With the average age of Sugar Daddies found on Mutual Arrangements to be a very youthful 44.4 years old, there is concrete evidence that there are younger Sugar Daddies out there in the country who are using a site like Mutual Arrangements to find that someone to meet their needs.
To learn more about Mutual Arrangements visit: www.mutualarrangements.com.
Let me know if you would be interested in covering Mutual Arrangements and this new trend of younger sugar daddies. I hope to hear from you soon.
Best,
####

Response:

Hey ####,
So this story might not be quite appropriate to our demographic, though I do hope that at least a small percentage of our readers are rolling in the sweetener. You might also want to reconsider using Tiger Woods as your standard bearer: it’s uncertain exactly what level of financial support he is providing the ever-increasing number of women he has allegedly had relations with — in fact, some of them might not be getting any sugar at all, other than sugar of a romantic nature, a sugar variety they could easily obtain from someone whose personal wealth does not qualify him to be a “sugar daddy”. Then there’s the bothersome fact that Mr. Woods is both a husband and father. Choosing an adulterer as the new face of the Sugar Daddy might be hot with the kids today, but what about tomorrow, when the malcontented Jesper Parneviks of this world have turned the tide against the popularity of Mr. Woods’ sugar-fatherhood? If we’re thinking long-term, I’d put your chips behind a young, attractive, and single man. Possibly Enrique Iglesias, if he is indeed currently enjoying a life of privilege and, more importantly, is free of entanglements. If Enrique is involved in a monogamous relationship (the Anna Kournikova situation is so confusing), you might go with Chase Crawford, who, while a bit young, certainly has the cash to be a provider, as does the dashing John Krasinski, #6 on PopSugar’s list of eligible Hollywood bachelors (syndication? for a sugar daddy, that’s spelled sin-dication). On the athletic front, has Derek Jeter tied the knot yet? If he has, I’m fairly certain Jeremy Shockey of the New Orleans Saints has the mojo — and money -- you’re looking for. And at least as of 2001, Ebony Magazine listed as single and available stars from Elton Brand to Autry Denson, who loves to read, but is looking for a “Christian woman”. If he hasn’t found such a woman in the intervening eight years, it’s quite possible he’s dropped the religious requirement, and is ready to be someone’s sugar daddy.

I hope this has been of some help. I’d offer my own services, but alas, I lack the sugar to be a daddy. Possibly a Sugar Cousin, but more likely a Sugar Acquaintance.

Thanks so much,
David

PS: Make that a “SPLENDA® (Sucralose) Acquaintance”
Response to Response:

Hi David,

How are you? I'm writing on behalf of Mutual Arrangements. I'm writing to you today in regards to an email that you sent to ####, a colleague of mine, earlier this morning. Reading your email to her, we think that this story or the topic of the trend of sugar daddies in the U.S. could make for an interesting story considering the multitude of celebrities that you mentioned in the email.

We hope you can consider Mutual Arrangements as a potential story in the future.

Best,
#### (BUT A DIFFERENT #### THAN THE PREVIOUS ONE)

Suspicious Package

I discovered last night that the terrorists have eroded my right to leave a sack of old clothes by the dumpster outside the old East Village Max Brenner without getting weirdly paranoid that the police will view the package as suspicious and call in the bomb squad. So on my way out I toted such a sack past the Astor Place Cube Thing and several other lazy-man's Goodwill sweet spots until I hit Washington Square, at which point I offered the goods to a 6'4”, 320lb man who'd been hoping to sell me weed-smoke. He was pretty happy to get a True Grit sweater, among other things. I was pretty happy to get rid of a True Grit sweater, among other things. When we shook hands, I could feel his bottom two fingers still curled around what I assume was weed-smoke.

So, the terrorists haven't won, and Giuliani hasn't won. Weed-smoke Guy and I must have won something, but probably only on the community-relations front, because despite my assurances that I was also “hefty”, he's still got 100lbs on me, and there's no way those clothes will fit.

Nourishment on Houston