Urgent Update

My Dallas buddy with the Rayfield Wright/Golf dilemma got let off the hook when Wright had to cancel, and was replaced by Dixon Edwards. Edwards was a dependable linebacker in the 90s, and according to my friend he's one of the nicest guys you'll ever meet.

He's also won as many Super Bowls as he's played games of golf (three), so instead of being thrust into an epic internal battle between pride and humility, my guy got to play some mediocre golf and get away with it.

Also, Dixon Edwards' middle name is "Voldean".

The Small Balding Pleasure Machine

"So for a man, the way to tell if you're a true Paul Simon fan is: if Paul Simon and you were being held captive by kidnappers, and they said that if you didn't let Paul Simon violently sodomize you they would kill him, what would you do?"

"I mean, I like him, but he has a pretty extensive back catalog, so I wouldn't do it just because I couldn't live without him making more music. Maybe because of the obligation to save another person's life, but...I am saving his life here. Why can't he be gentle? Why does he have to violently sodomize me?"

"Because. That's the only way Paul Simon knows how to do it."

The Powder Chase

There's a phrase, “law-school hot”, that you can probably figure out, but I'll explain anyway: attractive in any setting, but certainly benefiting from the dearth of competition.

My 1L year, I was “law-school alcoholic”: even in the real world people might be impressed that I'd occasionally take 10 shots of tequila and throw up in a phone booth, but I wasn't drinking in the morning or anything. Still, I enjoyed my class-wide reputation as Drunk Who Must be Secretly Smarter Than Everyone Because He Never Studies and Still Gets Solidly Mediocre Grades. I even started fancying myself a real alcoholic.

I'd earned a partial scholarship because of my LSAT grades. One day the decently law-school-hot financial-aid officer called me into her office to inform me that solidly mediocre wasn't good enough to keep it. I'd done particularly crappy in one class, and I'm pretty sure the adjunct professor had suggested there was something wrong with me, because the financial-aid officer asked “Is there something wrong with you?” There probably was, but still, screw off, bitch -- that adjunct professor wore cheetah-spotted slut blouses, and besides, it's none of your business.

Last night, I met a guy whose best friend entered the same law school a year after I exited. He told me that his friend had started sexing that financial-aid lady, who, incidentally, was married. Then his roommates started sexing her, sometimes several at a time. Then dudes literally started flying in from out of town, including one hilariously short guy, who sexed her in front of everybody else while wearing a cowboy hat. Well after graduation, they even called her to fly in from the East Coast -- where she was living after getting a divorce and going through rehab for an apparently massive cocaine addiction -- and do her thing at one of the old bang-gang's bachelor parties. She was wild about the idea.

In retrospect, I guess I really was just law-school alcoholic.

One for the Ages

At a corporate suite at last Saturday's Yankees-Mets game. A tall old man – maybe 6'2”, and in his 80s – wandered in and asked if we'd seen “the blind guy”. He seemed a little loopy, and a little homeless. Apparently though, he played 2nd for the Yankees ages ago, won four World Series, and now helps out with scouting.

At one point, he leaned over the kitchen island in disheveled-suave fashion, talked up a girl I know, and asked for her digits (this is actually happening in the above pic). She handed them over – how could she say no? – then texted her dad about the guy.

“I like him. He's a great evaluator of talent.”
“Yeah dad. I think he's evaluating my talent right now.”

Meanwhile, I consumed seven Budweisers and either three or four hot dogs.

I too am a great evaluator of talent.

Do You Miss Tea, Miss Misery?

I met the author of this book after a press event that involved Morimoto, the Hudson River, and a schooner. For some reason I became convinced her book was all about opium, and spent the whole night pestering her about inhaling research in China. Probably because I was drunk. The book's actually about tea, specifically Robert Fortune (real name), the Scotsman who stole the secrets for it from the Chinese, so that the British wouldn't be screwed if the Chinese legalized opium and quit accepting it as contraband payment for Camellia sinensis (tea).

I went to a kind of crappy rave in Expo Park, Dallas back in 2000 or so. Elliott Smith was randomly sitting in the corner with his record-company handler, an attractive funky-for-Dallas chick. My friend Jeff Biehler (above, in Maleveller), who at the time was kind of a giant Oklahoma glam-deathmetal cowboy, got really nervous and started talking about how much he admired Smith's guitar work. I told him to go talk to the guy. I mean, what was Elliott Smith going to do? He was tiny. We walked up, Jeff fumblingly expressed the admiration, Elliott Smith thanked him with a nervous sweetness, and then Jeff clammed up, also with a nervous sweetness.

Not knowing where to take the non-conversation, Jeff said, "They're selling opium upstairs. Do you want to go do some?" Elliot Smith tittered. His handler tittered. Apparently Elliott Smith was off the drugs at the time.

For some reason, I used to think opium made people do crazy shit like stabbing themselves in the heart. Probably because I've never done opium. I probably should.

And I should probably drink more tea. Fortune favors those who get their RDA of antioxidants.

Rayfield of Light

Two burning questions just arose during dinner with a Dallas friend:

1) If you're playing golf with Rayfield Wright -- stalwart Cowboys right tackle back before left tackle became a glamor position, and before sports medicine was invented; called the best ever at his position by Deacon Jones (among others); belated Hall of Fame enshrinee; first football card I ever obtained -- do you tell him that you hurt your shoulder lifting weights, and therefore have a constricted range of motion in your swing? Does your answer change if you're really good at golf, and even played at the college level?

2) Do you trust a magician with the nickname "Magic"?

Hey Elf, Hey Elf, Don't Dream It's Over

I've been having a scintillating email war with Glenn Beck's webmaster (Glenn wasn't available), but now I think he's pulling out. At certain junctures I make the mistake of actually trying to make a point, but by the end I think I achieved the proper level of unhinged fury. Will there be more? We can only pray. And cry.


Subject: An Honorable Man!

May 31 (10 days ago)
FROM ME
to webmaster

May 31 (10 days ago)

Hi 912 People!
I was reading about Glenn's 1980s radio days and was wondering: did Glenn ever make an on-air apology for using his rival's wife's miscarriage as a comedic prop in Phoenix? Or was he too blitzed on coke to remember doing it? Man that must have been a fun time for him! And America! Thanks,
Dave
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Jun 3 (7 days ago)
webmaster@theglennbeck912project.com
to me

show details Jun 3 (7 days ago)

Dave,

Good to know you can read. Now, may we suggest you take the advice of your folks and stop focusing on the politics of the past (if that story is even true - did you check it's accuracy?).

I wonder what you think of Bill Maher's racist slurs of our President.

Thanks again,

The 912 Elves
- Show quoted text -
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Jun 3 (7 days ago)
FROM ME AGAIN -- IS THIS ANNOYING?
to webmaster

show details Jun 3 (7 days ago)

Hi! Thought I'd do a little breakdown of your response. I thought it might help you formulate better responses in the future:

On Thu, Jun 3, 2010 at 8:41 AM, wrote:

Dave, PERSONALIZING THE RESPONSE -- ACTUALLY MORE THAN I EXPECTED. MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I'M THE ONLY GUY OUT THERE WRITING YOU ABUSIVE EMAILS.

Good to know you can read. CLICHED INSULT! YOU MUST HAVE SPENT HOURS COMING UP WITH THAT ONE. YOU'VE JUST LOST ANY POINTS YOU MIGHT HAVE WON BY CALLING ME "DAVE".



Now, may we suggest you take the advice of your folks PRESUPPOSITION ABOUT WHO MY "FOLKS" ARE! BONUS POINTS FOR USE OF "FOLKS", WHICH IS MIGHTY ENDEARING DUE TO ITS FOLKSINESS.



and stop focusing on the politics of the past ANOTHER SWEET CLICHE. AND A STUPID ONE! DO YOU REALLY WANT SOMEONE FOLLOWING YOUR FAT, SWEATY BOSS AROUND SCREAMING "POLITICS OF THE PAST" EVERY TIME HE BRINGS UP AN INCIDENT THAT'S OVER, SAY, 6 MONTHS OLD? HE'D GO DEAF. NOT THAT'D REALLY CHANGE THINGS FOR HIM.



(if that story is even true - did you check it's accuracy?). IT WAS REPORTED IN A MAJOR NEWS OUTLET. ARE YOU DENYING ITS ACCURACY? DID YOU DENY ITS ACCURACY WHEN THE STORY CAME OUT? I'M BEING VERY SERIOUS HERE: ARE YOU SAYING THIS DIDN'T HAPPEN?

I wonder what you think of Bill Maher's racist slurs of our President. ANOTHER SWEET ASSUMPTION: THAT I'M JUST AS BIG OF A PARTISAN IDIOT AS YOU ARE.

Thanks again, INSINCERE THANK YOU -- ALWAYS A GOOD CALL WHEN YOU ACTUALLY HARBOR NO SENTIMENTS THAT COULD BE SEEN AS EVEN VAGUELY ADULT.

The 912 Elves SILLY NICKNAME THAT PRETENDS TO BE SELF-EFFACING WHILE RETAINING SUPREME ARROGANCE AND CONDESCENSION

ALL IN ALL, EXCELLENT WORK. NOW IF YOU'RE REALLY AN ELF, GO MAKE ME A GODDAMN COOKIE.
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Jun 3 (6 days ago)
ME, IMPATIENTLY
to webmaster

Jun 3 (6 days ago)

Not surprisingly, I think your non-response says more than your response.
- Show quoted text -
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Jun 3 (6 days ago)
webmaster@theglennbeck912project.com
to me

show details Jun 3 (6 days ago)

Dave,

Thanks for the laughs, but we did ask for information.

You offered no facts about this horrible allegation you made. No link to a story with facts, just rumour and innuendo.

We would be happy to review any pertinent factual information, but not rumours.

Best regards,

The 912 Elves

---------------------------------

Jun 3 (6 days ago)
ME AGAIN. PREPARE TO EAT SHIT, WEBMASTER.
to webmaster

show details Jun 3 (6 days ago)

Elf,
You have now responded to one of my criticisms of your last email. I'll therefore assume that you accede to the rest of my points, and that you admit you're essentially nothing but a stupidly condescending cliche. It's either that, or else I'll have to assume that, unlike myself, you actually cannot read.

As for the sourcing: http://www.salon.com/news/feature/2009/09/22/glenn_beck_two

I find it disingenuous that you pretend not to know which article I was referring to. It's a fairly recent story, and I'm sure that your blubbering, teary-eyed boss pays someone an excessive amount of money to keep up with negative press. Clearly, these aren't my allegations, and framing them as such was a rather pathetic attempt to wish away the inevitable. If you disagree with the story's assertions, and those of its interview subjects, that's another matter. These are specific allegations about an on-air incident, however, and simply dismissing them as "rumour and innuendo" (rumour? what are you, British?) is not going to score you any points.

Glad I could provide you with some laughs. Wish I could say the same, but you're just not a funny person.
Dave
- Show quoted text -

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Jun 4 (6 days ago)
webmaster@theglennbeck912project.com
to me

Jun 4 (6 days ago)

Davey,

Ah, Alex Z and his continuing smear campaign leading up to the release of his Beck bio later this year. Thanks for the link, prior to this morning I had not seen it, but now can report that have I read the entire article.

As someone with a balanced mind, and personal knowledge of almost all of the stories in the piece, I find it odd that Mr. Z. only mentioned/quoted people who had issues with Beck. He only mentions bad things that happened and does not chronicle any good that occurred or was spear-headed by Mr. Beck. He even mocked Beck's holiday show from the deck of the USS Bob Hope.

Additionally, it would have been nice to actually hear what he claims that other people told him happened. There is tape of everything that happened in radio - everything, and yet, none of this is ever heard. Odd. You realize that none of these allegations would stand up in court without facts/proof/evidence, etc. Bring on the tapes.

I am not saying this event and the ones mentioned in the story did not happen. Just that there is a good chance they did not happen as reported here. Don't you, as an educated and rational person, wonder about the basic facts and real details? Perhaps you should read Beck's autobiography. We all know that those with a grudge will paint with the most offensive strokes and those seeking to build up their image will liberally aggrandize. Perhaps between the two lies reality?

No matter. Beck's life is his and he seems to know and accept that. He claims responsibility for his actions. He has seen fit to publicly state that he was not such a good man in much of his youth and tried to make up for that. One cannot erase one's past, only mend the tears and cracks while working to avoid such in the future. It would seem to a fair minded person that he is doing just that.

Ideology makes folks do odd things. When Beck uses facts, logic, quotes and actual tape to support his case there is no response to refute his points - only personal attacks. Those who disagree with Glenn have even taken a wicked personal angle and attacked his faith. I am not a member of LDS or any organized church, but I am a God believer and support all rights to worship (as long as it does not involve killing people who do not believe).

And finally, I was taught by my grandparents that should I have a bone to pick with someone, I really should stick to factual arguments and not rely on cheap and tawdry insults (blubbering, teary-eyed, etc), they only diminish whatever minuscule standing your argument may have and highlight an odd proclivity to judge someone based on weight and appearance... how prejudicially passive aggressive such behaviour is from a member of the Left - the-everyone-is-accepted-no-matter-what Left.

And finally, if Beck did say that awful thing on air as you believe, what should be done to him? And after you answer that, look to everyone who did something foolish/illegal/unpatriotic in their teens and 20s - then look in the mirror. You will find your answer.

OH DAMN, the cookies are burning!
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Jun 7 (2 days ago)
ME (YEAH, MAN, I'M FUCKING BACK!)
to webmaster

Jun 7 (2 days ago)

Elfy,
You've left me with a lot of ridiculous material to respond to, and I'm a little busy today -- plus, I'm worn out from being wasted all weekend (tell Glenn not to worry, it wasn't cocaine!), and I like to be at my wittiest when dissecting the arguments of magical creatures. I'll leave you with a little taste though: you need to consult a dictionary before getting your panties in a bunch. I've pulled these definitions from The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language. You know it's right, because it's American.

blub·ber 1 (blbr)
v. blub·bered, blub·ber·ing (THIS IS THE FORM OF THE WORD I USED -- IT IS NOT AN APPROPRIATE TERM FOR DESCRIBING "OVERWEIGHT" PEOPLE), blub·bers
v.intr.
To sob noisily. See Synonyms at cry.
v.tr.
1. To utter while crying and sobbing.
2. To make wet and swollen by weeping.
n.
A loud sobbing.
[Middle English bluberen, to bubble, from bluber, foam.]
blubber·er n.
blubber·ing·ly adv.

taw·dry (tôdr)
adj. taw·dri·er, taw·dri·est
1. Gaudy and cheap in nature or appearance. See Synonyms at gaudy1.
2. Shameful or indecent: tawdry secrets.
n.
Cheap and gaudy finery.
[From tawdry lace, lace necktie, alteration of Saint Audrey's lace (sold at the annual Saint Audrey's fair, Ely, England), after Saint Audrey (Saint Etheldreda), queen of Northumbria, who died in 679 of a throat tumor, supposedly because she delighted in fancy necklaces as a young woman.]
tawdri·ly adv.
tawdri·ness n.

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Jun 7 (2 days ago)
webmaster@theglennbeck912project.com
to me

show details Jun 7 (2 days ago)

No worries. We're not responding to any more of your hate-based, obviously written by the mothership, talking points and ad hominem attacks.

Really - send all you want - they will be spam foldered.

Go do something for a neighbor. You'll feel better - we promise.

All the elves - smiling in unison.

--------------------------------------------------

ME (SADLY, THIS MIGHT BE THE LAST TIME WE EVER SPEAK)
to webmaster

Jun 8 (1 day ago)



On Mon, Jun 7, 2010 at 11:58 PM, wrote:

No worries.

I WASN'T WORRIED


We're not responding to any more of your hate-based, obviously written by the mothership, talking points and ad hominem attacks.

WELL, MY ORIGINAL POINT WAS THAT GLENN BECK COMMITTED A TERRIBLE ACT IN THE PAST. ARE YOU SAYING THAT AN "AD HOMINEM" ATTACK OCCURS WHEN SOMEONE POINTS OUT SOMETHING THAT SOMEONE DID? BECAUSE THAT'S GOING TO MAKE PRETTY MUCH ANY LEGITIMATE ARGUMENT AGAINST ANYBODY AD HOMINEM. IN FASHION TALK, AD HOMINEM WILL BECOME THE NEW BLACK. OBVIOUSLY, CLAIMING THAT THE ACT OF POINTING OUT THAT OTHER PEOPLE ACTUALLY DID BAD THINGS IS INHERENTLY "HATE-BASED" MIGHT ALSO CAUSE SOME PROBLEMS FOR OUR SOCIETAL DISCOURE.

OR ARE YOU SAYING THAT MY PROVIDING DEFINITIONS FROM A DICTIONARY IS HATE-BASED/AD HOMINEM? I ALREADY SAID THE SOURCE FOR THOSE DEFINITIONS WAS THE AMERICAN HERITAGE DICTIONARY OF THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE. ARE YOU SAYING AMERICA HATE-BASED AND AD HOMINEM? ARE YOU SAYING AMERICA IS THE MOTHERSHIP? WHAT KIND OF COMMUNIST ARE YOU?

I WAS UNDER THE IMPRESSION THAT "AD HOMINEM" MEANT ATTACKING AN ARGUMENT (SAY, THAT GLENN BECK DID A CERTAIN NAUGHTY THING IN THE 80S) WITH AN IRRELEVANT ATTACK ON CHARACTER (SAY, BY ACCUSING ME OF BEING A LIBERAL WITHOUT EVER ADDRESSING WHETHER GLENN DID OR DID NOT PERPETRATE THE ACT).


Really - send all you want - they will be spam foldered.

REFUSING TO HEAR A REBUTTAL BY MARKING IT AS SPAM -- THAT IS TRULY A PROFILE IN COURAGE! PEOPLE WILL COMPARE YOU TO MARTIN LUTHER KING!


Go do something for a neighbor. You'll feel better - we promise.

ARE YOU SUGGESTING I'M A CALLOUS PERSON WHO DOESN'T DO THINGS FOR HIS NEIGHBORS? ON WHAT ARE YOU BASING THIS ASSUMPTION? DO YOU CONSIDER CONSERVATIVES TO HAVE A MONOPOLY ON NEIGHBORLINESS? BECAUSE I HELP THE OLD LADY IN THE APARTMENT ABOVE ME UP THE STAIRS LIKE THREE TIMES A WEEK. HOW MANY TIMES A WEEK DO YOU HELP OLD LADIES UP STAIRS?


All the elves - smiling in unison.

HOW MANY FREAKING ELVES ARE THERE? SHOULD I BUY A MAGICAL FIREARM TO PROTECT AGAINST SOME SORT OF ELF UPRISING? AND WHY ARE YOU ALL SMILING IN UNISON? DON'T YOU REALIZE SMILING IN UNISON REQUIRES THAT YOU ALL START SMILING AT THE EXACT SAME TIME? DOES THIS MEAN THAT YOU'RE SHARING A BRAIN? ARE YOU ROBOT ELVES?

PS: THE EASY WAY OUT OF THIS WOULD BE FOR YOU TO WALK UP TO GLENN AND SAY, "HEY, ABOUT THIS WHOLE MAKING FUN OF A WOMAN'S MISCARRIAGE THING. DID YOU ACTUALLY DO THAT?" EASY UNLESS YOU DON'T ACTUALLY HAVE ACCESS TO GLENN. WHICH WOULD MAKE HIM AN ELITIST. WHICH WOULD IN TURN MAKE HIM A LIBERAL. DAMN, ELF, IS YOUR FACE MELTING YET FROM THE POWER OF MY LOGIC?

PPS: SINCE IN YOUR LAST EMAIL YOU BROUGHT UP THE WHOLE "CHARACTER ASSASSINATION WITHOUT PROOF" THING IN REGARDS TO PRETTY MUCH ANYONE WHO'S EVER CRITICIZED YOUR BOSS, DID YOU CATCH JON STEWART THE OTHER NIGHT? WHEN HE USED VIDEO TO PROVE THAT GLENN'S STATEMENT THAT NO OTHER NETWORK BESIDES FOX WAS SHOWING THAT FOOTAGE OF THE ISRAELI RAID WAS ACTUALLY TOTAL BS? IT WAS PRETTY EFFECTIVE. AND OF COURSE YOU CAN'T DISMISS THE SEGMENT JUST BECAUSE STEWART IS LIBERAL. THAT WOULD BE AN AD HOMINEM ATTACK, AND I KNOW YOU HATE THOSE. YOU HATE THEM SOOOOOO MUCH, YOU ACTUALLY KIND OF LOVE THEM. GROSS! YOU'RE GOING TO GET COOTIES!

PPPS: IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA TO ADD "-EY" (E.G., "DAVEY") TO THE END OF PEOPLES' NAMES IN AN ATTEMPT TO BELITTLE THEM. IT'S VERY PLAYGROUND OF YOU. AND WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE LIKE YOU ON THE PLAYGROUND. THEY GET WEDGIED. POSSIBLY EVEN ATOMIC WEDGIED. EXCEPT SINCE ELVES DON'T WEAR UNDERWEAR, THEY'D HAVE TO PULL YOUR TUNIC BOTTOMS OVER YOUR HEAD. THAT'S THE KIND OF TREATMENT THAT COULD CAUSE A SERIOUS PSYCHIATRIC DISORDER LATER IN LIFE.

LIKE BELIEVING YOU'RE AN ELF ON A CRUSADE TO SAVE THE WORLD?