I Am A Phoenix War Eagle Tiger

True story from watching last night's BCS Championship Game between Auburn and Oregon:

My buddy Dan's lady friend is from Mississippi, but her family are such die-hard Auburn fans they practically bleed whatever color either tigers or war eagles or both bleed. During the game, she at various times screamed, yelled, jumped up on the table, clasped hands in prayer with whoever was nearest, and generally served as the bane of the next table's existence, a bunch of jackholes who tried and pathetically failed to tl'ask (to tell someone they're going to do something while putting on the pretense of asking them) us to have the bartender turn the sound off**.

So, the girl's 85-year-old grandfather is a retired minister. And somebody died, and asked him to speak at the service, which totally pissed off her grandmother, who she talked to periodically during the game, and who said, "Who schedules a service during the national championship game?" Which is totally true -- unless you're Jewish and have no time flexibility, it's a dick move.


So after the game's over, the girl talks to her grandmother again. A lifelong small-town enemy of hers had actually walked up to her during the service and, knowing she'd probably put someone else in a coffin to be home watching her Tiger War Eagles march to victory, said "Quack, quack". And made a little Oregon sign with her old hands.


Apparently funerals for the elderly are quite the social occasion for the still-living elderly, since by that age you're pretty used to people dropping off and're just happy to see who's left -- so the casual chitchat wasn't offensive. But using the occasion to hurt her in the cruelest way possible? You don't have to be a University of Phoenix graduate to know that lady's going to hell.



*As if they could have heard music over their discussions of Battlestar Galactica and "stupid football commercials" that actually appear during other programming including Battlestar Galactica.
**As if "you can still watch the game, but I don't have to listen to this stuff" is a good argument when you're 1) in a bar whose many giant TVs make it painfully obvious who's in the right during any major sporting event 2) completely discountingthe additional enjoyment crowd noise and announcer drone provides sports fans 3) a dick. Fuck you, jackholes. Hope you enjoyed the vocal stylings of HerbsBurger.