Slap Happy

The other night I karaoke duet'd “We've Got Tonight” with a friend who has on numerous occasions freely told me that, despite still enjoying idiocy like karaoke duet'ing “We've Got Tonight” with a drunk guy who can't sing, at some point she definitely wants to get married.

Towards closing time, I got saddled with a married girl (hereafter Married Girl) who at various points was both "great" friends and "only-kind-of" friends with a fellow Tex-pat who another friend had brought out that night on a semi-date. Yes, that is a lot of qualifiers for one sentence.

My friend hadn't done much “no, stay out” cajoling when Married Girl's (?)friend(?) had decided to head home early; he later told Married Girl he regretted not making his move. Now that he was gone too, Married Girl, who more accurately should be called Wasted Married Girl, asked me with astonishingly unmerited vanity:

“How come your friend says he wants to fuck my friend, but then acts like he wants to fuck me too?”

I'm absolutely positive he didn't act like that. I'm absolutely positive she loved asserting that he did.

“Why is it always about who wants to fuck you?” I asked.

She was laughing when she slapped me in the face, as if I was in on the game, and not just some guy who desperately wanted to ditch her for home. Or for Taco Bell. I can't remember what I said next, but whatever it was, it apparently merited another laugh-slap.

“Look, you could maybe pull shit like this if you weren't married and I wanted sleep with you” (I still wouldn't have wanted to sleep with her; why am I always handing people unearned compliments?), “but you are married, and you really can't pull shit like this.”

I caught the next slap. I'm glad my reflexes haven't abandoned me completely. I'm glad that the Sheena Easton to my Kenny Rogers never got married just to get married, then ended up at some bar assaulting random dudes while her husband was out somewhere avoiding her. Because I'm not married and need stupid things to happen to me in order to keep things interesting, I'm also glad me and Slapping Wasted Married Girl had tonight, and even gladder that we don't need tomorrow.

*More-more accurately, she should be called Wasted Married Girl Who's Not Very Good Looking Though That Wouldn't Matter If She Weren't Also Such A Horrible Person