That the company who slapped this on my building's front door will ever respond to my email:
Dear Christian Window Cleaning,
I'm writing to inform you that my windows are very dirty, not only physically, but also spirituality. I'm sorry, I meant to say “spiritually”. (I would simply correct my grammatical mistake – this is the age of word processing after all – but I have mild OCD, and for some reason it is telling me not to.) If I am correct in assuming that your service not only lets in more light, but also more The Light, that would be most appreciated.
Also, my landlord: he seems a pleasant enough man, but when he shakes my hand, I can feel that callous disregard for human life so prevalent among many Ukrainians. If you could offer him absolution for the men he might or might not have killed, that might ease the dread I feel mounting every moment my rent check is past due. If you judge him grateful for this opportunity for redemption in the eyes of the Lord, you might also mention that it was my idea, and perhaps he will also adjust my lease to dollar amounts more closely aligned with Christian values.
Thank you,
William Tuttleman
Update: someone peeled the sticker off the window, and my name is no longer William Tuttleman.
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