Moms I'd Like to Watch Baylor Football With

Started Wednesday night at The Windsor, where me and two TX friends were the lone table more interested in watching the Baylor-Illinois “Texas Bowl” than the Georgetown-Notre Dame basketball game – after fending off a few prep-tastic would-be channel-changers, I said “Those guys can Choate on my cock”. I wish I'd thought of that before they switched tables, though with my luck, they probably went to Exeter.

Except my luck last night was fantastic: I laid down a $200 bet on Oklahoma State -4.5 vs Arizona and ended up winning the shit out of it.



Then on the way to the oddly imposing urinal, two also-preppy Devils fans at the bar asked if I was friends with “Jordan”, who I found out later was the manager. I said no, I was just a man out to watch some exciting Baylor University football, a program built entirely on recruiters telling Baptist moms their sons would go to hell if they attended the University of Texas. For some reason they thought I was cool, or at least “remember that dude we met last night? holy shit!” cool.

Probably because they were high. On the ecstasy. “I share everything, except my pills!” said the louder one (the other one was so quiet I had to ask if he was rolling too, or just babysitting – his tiny terrorist fist bump affirmed that, yes, he was rolling too). Pretty quickly he was offering me his girlfriend. Her not being around, he quickly threw his steak into the deal. “Have my steak, cool guy!” he screamed. “If you don't eat your steak, how can you have any pudding? How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your steak!”

He had a point, and a bad English accent. I cut off a big bite of his steak. Then came the pudding: when they decided I needed to take four shots of Jack, one after the other. The bartender asked what I wanted to do, in a tone that said that while there was shame in turning down a shot, there was none in turning down four. But really, there's more shame in it – you're not just turning down momentary fraternity, you're turning down a story that'll last a lifetime. Or at least a week.

“Fuck it, I want these guys to remember me tomorrow”. I took the four. When I left them, the loud one was on his knees, enraptured by the shoe size of a guy who'd played football at SUNY Buffalo. "Look at how big! These feet were all-conference at CUNY Buffalo!" The big fellow was not happy with the mispronunciation.

Within 30 minutes I was at the new Hog Pit, drinking Wild Turkey and belting out a song I'd just made up to Ibar (short for Ibarguengoitia), a guy who once drunkenly punched me in the gut for flirting with a married woman I'd already half-truthfully told him I had no intention of actually trying to sleep with. “Flirting's where it starts!” he'd yelled as I'd tried really hard not to throw up.

Fittingly, the new song was about a guy telling his friend not to cockblock his own mom.

“I know
You want to drive her home
Like any good son would
But she's feeling the love, so don't get in the way...
Your mom wants to stay!”

Yesterday I smuggled a flask of vodka into Tron. Needless to say, I didn't even have the heart to drink it.

Perseverence

I received this pitch in a semi-professional capacity. My response is precious. Their response to my response is Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire. Thanks, (ri)1 Rye Whiskey for making this all possible.

Pitch:

Good Afternoon,

The news of Tiger Woods and his recent transgressions has created a new tag for the man who is undoubtedly one of the best athletes in the world. As new stories emerge every day, Tiger Woods has now embodied that of the newest face of today's Sugar Daddy. Unlike traditional portrayals of the Sugar Daddy, or generous provider, as an unattractive middle-age or older gentleman with a woman half his age (or less) on each arm, MutualArrangements.com, the World's Premier Sugar Daddy Website Online is finding that the Sugar Daddy of today is younger, more attractive and closer in age to his Sugar Baby. In fact, 28.4% of all of the Sugar Daddies on Mutual Arrangements are under age 40 - and nearly half - 47.2% are under age 45!
There has been a shift in recent years towards a person earning wealth at a younger age than those of previous generations. Mutual Arrangements has found that there are a plethora of men in their thirties and forties with plenty of financial resources, all having a desire to care for a woman, or women. With the average age of Sugar Daddies found on Mutual Arrangements to be a very youthful 44.4 years old, there is concrete evidence that there are younger Sugar Daddies out there in the country who are using a site like Mutual Arrangements to find that someone to meet their needs.
To learn more about Mutual Arrangements visit: www.mutualarrangements.com.
Let me know if you would be interested in covering Mutual Arrangements and this new trend of younger sugar daddies. I hope to hear from you soon.
Best,
####

Response:

Hey ####,
So this story might not be quite appropriate to our demographic, though I do hope that at least a small percentage of our readers are rolling in the sweetener. You might also want to reconsider using Tiger Woods as your standard bearer: it’s uncertain exactly what level of financial support he is providing the ever-increasing number of women he has allegedly had relations with — in fact, some of them might not be getting any sugar at all, other than sugar of a romantic nature, a sugar variety they could easily obtain from someone whose personal wealth does not qualify him to be a “sugar daddy”. Then there’s the bothersome fact that Mr. Woods is both a husband and father. Choosing an adulterer as the new face of the Sugar Daddy might be hot with the kids today, but what about tomorrow, when the malcontented Jesper Parneviks of this world have turned the tide against the popularity of Mr. Woods’ sugar-fatherhood? If we’re thinking long-term, I’d put your chips behind a young, attractive, and single man. Possibly Enrique Iglesias, if he is indeed currently enjoying a life of privilege and, more importantly, is free of entanglements. If Enrique is involved in a monogamous relationship (the Anna Kournikova situation is so confusing), you might go with Chase Crawford, who, while a bit young, certainly has the cash to be a provider, as does the dashing John Krasinski, #6 on PopSugar’s list of eligible Hollywood bachelors (syndication? for a sugar daddy, that’s spelled sin-dication). On the athletic front, has Derek Jeter tied the knot yet? If he has, I’m fairly certain Jeremy Shockey of the New Orleans Saints has the mojo — and money -- you’re looking for. And at least as of 2001, Ebony Magazine listed as single and available stars from Elton Brand to Autry Denson, who loves to read, but is looking for a “Christian woman”. If he hasn’t found such a woman in the intervening eight years, it’s quite possible he’s dropped the religious requirement, and is ready to be someone’s sugar daddy.

I hope this has been of some help. I’d offer my own services, but alas, I lack the sugar to be a daddy. Possibly a Sugar Cousin, but more likely a Sugar Acquaintance.

Thanks so much,
David

PS: Make that a “SPLENDA® (Sucralose) Acquaintance”
Response to Response:

Hi David,

How are you? I'm writing on behalf of Mutual Arrangements. I'm writing to you today in regards to an email that you sent to ####, a colleague of mine, earlier this morning. Reading your email to her, we think that this story or the topic of the trend of sugar daddies in the U.S. could make for an interesting story considering the multitude of celebrities that you mentioned in the email.

We hope you can consider Mutual Arrangements as a potential story in the future.

Best,
#### (BUT A DIFFERENT #### THAN THE PREVIOUS ONE)