Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sex. Show all posts

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Who Wants to Sex Mutombo?

The Mavs' playoff success has put me in a very erotic mood, so erotic, I wrote a song about the most awesomely sexy moment in basketball history. I can't play guitar, and my voice is only as big as JJ Barea, so the real question is: are there any musicians out there who actually want to perform this motherfucker?






"Who Wants To Sex Mutombo?"

When I walk into bars
I don't beat around the bush
In Georgetown or Kinshasa
They know it's time for tush

So be the first to answer
This all-important question
And you'll come back to my place
For a 48-minute session

Who wants to sex Mutombo
Tonight!


I average seven cockblocks
Every single night
Swatting balls into the stands
To the crowd's delight

All my competition
Flops down to the floor
Don't they know that Euro game
Won't work here anymore

Who wants to sex Mutombo
Tonight!


George W once praised me
For my humanitarian organizations
My B-ball's Without Borders
So's my sensual imagination

Before you climb my love ladder
Of many many rungs
I'll give you oral pleasure
In at least nine different tongues

English, French, and Portuguese
Spanish and Tshiluba
Will blow across you gently
As I play you like a tuba

Who wants to sex Mutombo
Tonight!


BRIDGE:

Watch
My Rocket take off
Fly like a Hawk
Til it hits the Net
Position
Seven Six
Is how I get my kicks
I also played for the Knicks

Hey girl, do you want to play “Honorary Doctorate”?

SOME GUITAR SHIT GOES HERE!


When I wag my finger
It doesn't mean rejection
It signals that before I dunk
I must put on protection

And when I've blown my Nuggets
I'll collapse with joy
You have made Dikembe
A very happy boy

Who wants to sex Mutombo
I wanna sex Mutombo
Who wants to sex Mutombo
We all wanna sex Mutombo
Who wants to sex Mutombo
Tonight!


Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Cock Around the Clock



From: (some guy at a pr company)
Date: Tue, 17 Aug 2010 05:15:28 -0700
To: (me)
Subject: Story: What Woman Think Of Being Single At 40 - New Movie The Switch Launches Friday

Hi *****, hope you’re having a good week.

I wanted to share an interesting story angle inspired by Jennifer Aniston's new movie The Switch, coming out August 20th. Dr. Block, Psychologist and Relationship expert for CanDoBetter.com, explains how woman in their 30s start to look at men based solely on their breeding abilities. The movie specifically deals with issues such as the female psyche, sperm donors, and that always ticking biological clock!

Think about it, have you ever wondered what’s going on through the mind of a 40year old unmarried, childless woman? A recent survey from BeautifulPeople.com, an elite dating site for beautiful people only, surveyed 50,000 members and found 96 percent of women desired having beautiful children. Greg Hodge, Managing Director of BeautifulPeople.com said, “Parents want their children born with many fine attributes; like it or not attractiveness is an attribute in today’s society. It may not be politically correct to say so but what mother or father does not want a beautiful baby.”

Dr. Block from CanDoBetter.com, a social networking and dating website which lets the world decide if your relationship is a perfect match, thinks Jennifer Anistons character isn't all that far off from reality. Dr. Block explains how women in their 30s subconsciously begin to hear the “tick tick” of their biological clock. Although some women choose to ignore the Big Ben of biology,  others fixate on it-revealing an interesting glimpse into the female psyche.  Do woman in their 30s, start looking at men based on breeding possibilities? Jennifer Anistons character, and Dr. Block absolutely agree!

Dr. Block says it begins in your 20s, where you choose men because “he’s hot.” Gradually phasing into your 30s, you begin searching for Mr. Right, experiencing numerous heartbreaks along the way. Coming into your 40s, the tick tock is at an all-time high. It has Jennifer Anistons character choosing a donor based strictly on looks…and it’s because she can’t ignore her biological clock.

Some Stats From The Survey:
* 96% of women desiring children want to have a beautiful baby
* 83% of women imagine what their children would look like with prospective partners
* 79% of women if selecting a mate solely for procreation would want that mate to be attractive
* 83% of women receiving donor sperm would want the donor to be attractive

Please let me know if you have any questions or to speak with Dr. Block or Greg Hodge. They are both available to answer your questions.

Regards,
(actually a different guy at the pr company than the one whose name is in the "from" field)
----
My response:
Dear (guy at pr company),
Thanks for thinking of us. Unfortunately, due to space issues imposed by our format, we typically don’t run advice stories. Also, I’m afraid that Dr. Block’s expert opinion might terrify our readers who are not in the top tier of potential breeding candidates, thus causing them to either give up seeking out sex, or worse, concentrate their efforts on teenagers, who, free of the pressures of ticking biological functions, might be more amenable to less attractive men.
(me)

Thursday, June 24, 2010

The Powder Chase


There's a phrase, “law-school hot”, that you can probably figure out, but I'll explain anyway: attractive in any setting, but certainly benefiting from the dearth of competition.

My 1L year, I was “law-school alcoholic”: even in the real world people might be impressed that I'd occasionally take 10 shots of tequila and throw up in a phone booth, but I wasn't drinking in the morning or anything. Still, I enjoyed my class-wide reputation as Drunk Who Must be Secretly Smarter Than Everyone Because He Never Studies and Still Gets Solidly Mediocre Grades. I even started fancying myself a real alcoholic.

I'd earned a partial scholarship because of my LSAT grades. One day the decently law-school-hot financial-aid officer called me into her office to inform me that solidly mediocre wasn't good enough to keep it. I'd done particularly crappy in one class, and I'm pretty sure the adjunct professor had suggested there was something wrong with me, because the financial-aid officer asked “Is there something wrong with you?” There probably was, but still, screw off, bitch -- that adjunct professor wore cheetah-spotted slut blouses, and besides, it's none of your business.

Last night, I met a guy whose best friend entered the same law school a year after I exited. He told me that his friend had started sexing that financial-aid lady, who, incidentally, was married. Then his roommates started sexing her, sometimes several at a time. Then dudes literally started flying in from out of town, including one hilariously short guy, who sexed her in front of everybody else while wearing a cowboy hat. Well after graduation, they even called her to fly in from the East Coast -- where she was living after getting a divorce and going through rehab for an apparently massive cocaine addiction -- and do her thing at one of the old bang-gang's bachelor parties. She was wild about the idea.

In retrospect, I guess I really was just law-school alcoholic.

Monday, May 31, 2010